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rue
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PostSubject: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:24 am

Well, everyone else is doing it. Just thought I'd join in.

This story is from a while ago, wrote it back in december while on vacation, though I never finished it.
Do note, this is a SHORT story at the moment. Well, barely a story, more like a few paragraphs.
Suggestions on where to take it? Problems with the grammar and punctuation? Feel free to give me the heads up.

Tell me what you think.

The Wall

The boy stared off into the distance, a beautiful cityscape. The sun's golden rays bouncing off of reflective squares of glass, a faint hum of cars puttering along filled the evening atmosphere. The tall buildings of futuristic design, designed by the city’s finest architects, alongside the old cobblestone roads left behind, almost forgotten in this era. The boy walked on, turning his head to the sky as he stumbled along the old bumpy roads. The skyline road ways came into view now, the new way for cars to get around. Spanning from one building to the next, going through some of them and passing others by. The cars hummed, spewing exhaust as they rolled by, the orange sky illuminated the metal sheets on a truck as they shimmered along, from one building to the next on board the floating skyway.
The normal summer noise was blasted away as the sounds of machinery filled the evening air. He continued down the street to see what the commotion was about, and he saw it. A wall, at the far edge of the city, sheets of metal similar to the ones the truck had been hauling were being put into place and welded quickly by men clad in full body suits. They reminded the boy of the biohazard suits that people wore in movies. The stench of burning metal filled his nostrils and sparks flew through the summer air.
"A wall" he thought, as he walked towards the construction site. The workers, clad in full body suits, that covered them from head to toe, were working swiftly, even though they were weighed down by cumbersome tools and had to carry tanks for welding. "A metal wall" the boy said aloud. "That's right" a voice said from behind him, "to protect us, to protect the future”. The boy turned and saw a man in a biohazard-like suit, even while inside the suit, the boy could tell he was grinning affectionately. “This wall will be a wall like no other, this structure will secure our future”, puzzled, the boy posed the question “Why?” The man stared intently at the boy, unsure of what answer he should give to such a young child. “You’ll find out soon enough”.


Last edited by rue on Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:45 am; edited 1 time in total
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Koro
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PostSubject: Re: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:27 am

I see what you mean by SHORT. I'll take a look a little later.

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PostSubject: Re: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:30 am

I like where the story is going Twisted Evil
Overall, it is really good. But i think it might be nice if you cut several complex sentences in the story into smaller sentences. I think it would pace the story better.

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PostSubject: Re: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:41 am

mmk, shorten some sentences, gotcha. ty Very Happy
@koro
Yes, it's SHORT lol. Not that horrible though Razz
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PostSubject: Re: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:52 am

Nice!! When I was reading it I don't know why I got reminded of Soviet Russia when it was under Stalin's rule then it reminded me of the Conflict in Northen Ireland because the boy said "A metal wall" lol.

IMO there aren't much complex sentences at the moment so it does not really disrupt the pace. Post more!! The story's intro[?] is good xD

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PostSubject: Re: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:14 am

I am starting to see a dystopia in the horizon.........know what i mean? Twisted Evil

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PostSubject: Re: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:19 am

I did not say there was none. I said there weren't much ^^
Anyways I don't know what you are saying but I do know how to check it out in the dictionary.

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PostSubject: Re: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:59 am

SilentKiller wrote:
I did not say there was none. I said there weren't much ^^
Anyways I don't know what you are saying but I do know how to check it out in the dictionary.

Actually i was talking about the story itself not your comment Shocked because it reminded me of classic like 1984 or Logan's Run Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:04 am

Shoots :/ My bad habits coming out again rofl okay w/e you say xD

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PostSubject: Re: This section is now the writing section.   Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:09 am

LMAO ok ok Very Happy

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