HomePortalCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1, 2
AuthorMessage
SilentKiller
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
avatar

Posts : 158
Join date : 2011-02-27
Age : 106
Location : In a place filled with solitude.

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 22, 2011 1:45 pm

haha I see and no prob! xD Nah the mistakes aren't stupid it just happens. Especially if your thoughts are flowing and you just type and type ^^ I can help you with Act 5. To correct out the tenses. As for sentence structure I won't be too sure about it since my sentence structuring ain't that great. [English is not my native language too.] I'll try my best! ^^ I also think the longer the better. You can put more thorough infomation xD

Colour codes :
Green is for words I added in or replaced with another or suggestions.
Blue is for tenses that I am not very sure if it's right or wrong.

Act5.

Fast forward to a few hours after lunch, I then continued my discussions with my gramp about the meeting with the other clan. Mostly about stuffs like what I should wear, how I should act, and what I should do….blah blah blah. As if reading “Business Manners For Idiot” in my spare time was not enough. Later on we had a big meeting with the other important figures in our clan at the conference room at the south of the mansion. They were all dressed up well in business suits and ties, apart from me with my black jeans and a “Fuck you I’m a metalhead” T-shirt. Which is of course, pretty normal considering my position and my age.
over here you might want to say apart from me who was in black jeans and a T-shirt that said "Fuck you I'm a metalhead"

We has had a robust discussion about the alliance, fueled by the finest Japanese cuisine, rice wine and a can of Pepsi in my case as I don’t believe in drinking. It was quite intense. But I’m pretty sure you have already been snoozing starting from somewhere in the lines of Act 3, so I will spare you the details. But in the end, everything worked itself out.

After all the bullshits was done, I raced back to my “cozy palace” and started to crack on my homeworks as soon as possible. When I finished, it is was already midnight, the time that I cleaned myself and prepared for another week of a dark business man’s life: Student at day, “worker” at night.
It was bound to be one of those nights where I could sleep really well. But then, things are not always as what they seem to be.

It was hazy

I saw myself, standing somewhere in between space and time. It was a borderless desert with white sands, the type of white you can only find in paintings. There was a tree here, a cactus there, and some other stuff.
You might want to say : There was a tree,a catcus and some other stuff there.

I was not sure if I was even on Earth, or was I in some surreal and macabre paintings. And that ominous feeling, the one with birds flying inside is creeped down my spine again, as if it was hallow by default.

“Hello….”

I turned back, and a girl was in front of me. A tall, long white haired and beautiful young lady was standing in front of me to be exact. “What, are you kidding me?” was my first thought. But upon further inspection, I concluded that “beautiful” is not a suitable word to describe her to you might want to say : 'beautiful' is not enough to descibe her.

: she had the looks and body that guys would kill for. An hourglass came to my mind. Now where should I start to describe her? Her eyes were 2 big, twinkling stars. Her lips were one of the most sexiest lips I‘ve ever seen: they were heart shaped, but slim. She looked at me with those big sparkling eyes, as if she was looking at a strange creature from outer space. I looked around, then down at myself, and I realized I was in my birthday suit. No wonder why.

I then tried to cover myself, but then she forwarded herself, and then hugged me. Before I could do anything, her big round breasts pressed on my chest. I thought to myself about how nice it was. Yes I know, I am somewhat a pervert. My arms then started to act on themselves, wrapping my hands and fingers around her body. The girl then looked at me and whispered:

“Hey, wolfy” She said as she rested her head down on my shoulder, as I fully embraced her in my arms for no apparent reason. Then I started to hear a blast beat.

I opened my eyes, and realized it was just a dream. I looked at the clock, and it was 7:30. [You might want to specify AM or PM]
Seriously, wolfy?


That's about it ^^ Gambatte!!



_________________

Learn to love what you hate.
Do not click!


Last edited by SilentKiller on Fri Apr 22, 2011 10:06 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://NYAN NYAN.com
XnuclearlandmineX
*Yawn*
*Yawn*
avatar

Posts : 91
Join date : 2011-04-18
Location : Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 22, 2011 4:35 pm

Right on man. I expected a lot of mistakes from my works, but i didn't think it was this much Razz Thanks again everyone Very Happy

_________________
I don't have pet peeve. I only have major psychotic hatred.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
SilentKiller
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
avatar

Posts : 158
Join date : 2011-02-27
Age : 106
Location : In a place filled with solitude.

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 22, 2011 9:55 pm

Nah it is pretty good just your tenses and some little sentence errors. Very Happy No prob Drake ^^
aha I also edited a little bit more at the girl part ^^

_________________

Learn to love what you hate.
Do not click!
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://NYAN NYAN.com
Koro
Champion of the spamming league!
Champion of the spamming league!
avatar

Posts : 1885
Join date : 2010-11-22
Age : 24
Location : Somewhere near Meido

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 22, 2011 11:42 pm

Sure you don't want to post something, Silent? I'll post a chapter or two of my novel once the naming situation is sorted out... and I've gone over the chapter(s) once more before posting.

_________________
Back to top Go down
View user profile
uuuhhh
Minions Unite!
Minions Unite!
avatar

Posts : 692
Join date : 2010-12-06
Age : 23
Location : Who knows?...Probably everywhere?

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Sat Apr 23, 2011 2:04 am

Act5.
-Fast forward-
A few hours after lunch, I continued my discussions with my grandpa about the meeting with the other clan. Mostly about stuffs like what I should wear, how I should act, and what I should do….blah blah blah. As if reading “Business Manners For Idiot” in my spare time was not enough. Later on, we had a big meeting with the other important figures in our clan at a conference room, which is located south of the mansion. They were all formally dressed in business suits and ties, while I appeared with my black jeans and a “Fuck you, I’m a metal-head” T-shirt. Which is of course, pretty normal considering my position and age.

We had a robust discussion about the alliance. The discussion was fueled by the finest Japanese cuisine, rice wine and a can of Pepsi in my case, as I don’t believe in drinking. It was quite intense. Although I’m pretty sure you are already snoozing, starting from somewhere in the lines of Act 3, so I will spare you the details. In the end, everything worked itself out.

After all the bullshits was done, I raced back to my “cozy palace” and started to crack on my homework as soon as possible. When I finished, it is was already midnight. Midnight is the time that I clean myself and prepare for another week of a dark businessman’s life: a "student" at day, a “worker” at night.
It was bound to be one of those nights where I could sleep really well. However, things are not always what they seem to be.

It was hazy...

I saw myself, standing somewhere in between space and time. It was a border-less desert with white sands, the type of white you can only find in paintings. There was a tree here, a cactus there, and some other stuff everywhere.

I was not sure if I was even on Earth or in some surreal, macabre painting. I once again felt the ominous feeling with birds flying inside. This crept down my spine, as if it was hollow by default.

“Hello….”

I turned back and a girl was in front of me. To be exact, she was tall, long, white haired, and beautiful. “What, are you kidding me?” was my first thought. After further inspection, I concluded that “beautiful” is not a suitable word to describe her.

: she had the stunning looks and body that guys would fall for. An hourglass came to my mind. Now where should I start to describe her? Her eyes were two large, twinkling stars. Her lips were one of the most sexiest lips I have ever seen; they were heart shaped, but slim. She looked at me with those big sparkling eyes, as if she looked at a strange creature from outer space. I looked around, then down at myself. I realized my birthday suit was still on. No wonder why...

Then, I tried to cover myself, but instead lunged herself to hug me. Before I could react, her big round breasts pressed on my chest. I thought to myself about how soft it felt. Yes, I know that I am somewhat of a pervert. Next, my arms started to move themselves, wrapping my hands and fingers around her body. The girl looked at me and whispered:

“Hey, Wolfy,” she said as she rested her head down on my shoulder. My arms fully embraced her for no apparent reason. Finally, I started to hear a blast beat.

I opened my eyes, and realized it was just a dream. I looked at the clock, and it was 7:30. [You might want to specify AM or PM]
["in the morning/at night" is fine too]

Seriously, Wolfy?

I corrected some out of silent's correction...
Too lazy to color code...

_________________
DOMO-KUN!!! Very Happy

"Friends are everlasting...
Girlfriends are never everlasting..."
- Perry

DON'T CLICK HERE
Back to top Go down
View user profile
XnuclearlandmineX
*Yawn*
*Yawn*
avatar

Posts : 91
Join date : 2011-04-18
Location : Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Sat Apr 23, 2011 10:32 am

The next last three acts of chapter 1. Chapter 2 will up for a later day. Probably monday.

Just realized that i numbered all of the act in chapter 1 wrong. Rolling Eyes

Act 6: Intermission
Spoiler:
 

Act 7: Awakeless

Spoiler:
 

That's all, folks Very Happy


Back to top Go down
View user profile
SilentKiller
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
avatar

Posts : 158
Join date : 2011-02-27
Age : 106
Location : In a place filled with solitude.

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Sat Apr 23, 2011 10:51 am

@Koro
haha I'll post them soon I have only 2 chapters of one novel and about 3 chapters of another short novel =.=' I need to edit them it is all in a terrible condition as I wrote them about 2 years ago xD

@Drake
rofl it's cool xD I'll correct them once I'm done with my essay ^^

EDIT:
Alright edited Act 6 for you xD

Spoiler:
 





_________________

Learn to love what you hate.
Do not click!
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://NYAN NYAN.com
XnuclearlandmineX
*Yawn*
*Yawn*
avatar

Posts : 91
Join date : 2011-04-18
Location : Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Mon Apr 25, 2011 5:40 am

Alright. Here is the first three acts of chapter 2. This time, Kuro is going to have a nasty and heavy problem at his hands. I hope everybody enjoyed his misery so far Twisted Evil And like usual, please comment and if possible, help me proofreading it. And thanks in advance too Very Happy

Chapter 2: Self Destruction through outside means.

Act 1: Into Kyoto
Spoiler:
 


Act 2:the Phoenix's mouth.

Spoiler:
 


Act 3:
Spoiler:
 


Last edited by XnuclearlandmineX on Mon Apr 25, 2011 2:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
rue
u know? Spam is a crime...
u know? Spam is a crime...
avatar

Posts : 2229
Join date : 2011-01-30
Age : 23

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:02 am

Huh, this section is turning into somewhat of a writing area. Maybe I should post one of my unfinished short stories, just for fun Razz

_________________
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Koro
Champion of the spamming league!
Champion of the spamming league!
avatar

Posts : 1885
Join date : 2010-11-22
Age : 24
Location : Somewhere near Meido

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:03 am

Do eet, then I can spend hours Rueing it Twisted Evil

_________________
Back to top Go down
View user profile
XnuclearlandmineX
*Yawn*
*Yawn*
avatar

Posts : 91
Join date : 2011-04-18
Location : Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:27 pm

The next 2 acts. I'm just going to post these for your reading pleasure. Enjoy, and bring your flamethrower in if you think there are parts that can be improve Very Happy I will be really thankful.

Act 4
Spoiler:
 

Act 5
Spoiler:
 

_________________
I don't have pet peeve. I only have major psychotic hatred.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
SilentKiller
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
avatar

Posts : 158
Join date : 2011-02-27
Age : 106
Location : In a place filled with solitude.

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 29, 2011 9:22 am

nicee! Your writing's been improving and stuff's getting interesting XD

_________________

Learn to love what you hate.
Do not click!
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://NYAN NYAN.com
XnuclearlandmineX
*Yawn*
*Yawn*
avatar

Posts : 91
Join date : 2011-04-18
Location : Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 29, 2011 9:52 am

SilentKiller wrote:
nicee! Your writing's been improving and stuff's getting interesting XD

It get ecchi later on Twisted Evil

notice that i didn't say "sex" lol!

_________________
I don't have pet peeve. I only have major psychotic hatred.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
SilentKiller
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
Minions! Minions Everywhere!
avatar

Posts : 158
Join date : 2011-02-27
Age : 106
Location : In a place filled with solitude.

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 29, 2011 9:53 am

LMAO bring it on xD hahaha

_________________

Learn to love what you hate.
Do not click!
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://NYAN NYAN.com
XnuclearlandmineX
*Yawn*
*Yawn*
avatar

Posts : 91
Join date : 2011-04-18
Location : Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 29, 2011 11:13 am

The next 2 acts.

Story cliff notes: Kuro's life as he know it will soon crumble down, as he learned the truths.

Spoiler:
 


Spoiler:
 

_________________
I don't have pet peeve. I only have major psychotic hatred.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
XnuclearlandmineX
*Yawn*
*Yawn*
avatar

Posts : 91
Join date : 2011-04-18
Location : Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Thu May 05, 2011 9:09 am

The last act of chapter 2 and now we are heading to Chapter 3. The truth, as Kuro will know it.

Spoiler:
 

_________________
I don't have pet peeve. I only have major psychotic hatred.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
YukiSanada
Dragon Hatchling!
Dragon Hatchling!
avatar

Posts : 348
Join date : 2011-03-16
Age : 105
Location : Under your bed ....or maybe inside it

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Mon May 09, 2011 2:54 pm

Please don't make it turn to S&M play... Sad

_________________


Dead people only know one thing: it is better to be alive
Rising always higher takes you to the top
That's cuz light is faster than sound that some people seem bright before they sound dumb...
Man was not made for work, and the proof of that is: it tires him
However high you may be, you'll always be sitting on your butt.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A nice woman lets you know you have only two faults, everything you say and everything you do.

Weird ways of saying something:
"I'll render you unable to biologically maintain life" (Love So life - LexiDaisy)
"She got away from my pheronomes at full power" (Sex=Love²)
"She's been blessed with post-natal fat" (Bitter Virgin)

My mangas (took me quite a while to make this list, even though there are still a bunch missing)
Back to top Go down
View user profile
XnuclearlandmineX
*Yawn*
*Yawn*
avatar

Posts : 91
Join date : 2011-04-18
Location : Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:16 am

It is not S&M....but like Femdom Very Happy Here is the first 3 act of Chapter 3 as my returning gift Very Happy

Spoiler:
 

_________________
I don't have pet peeve. I only have major psychotic hatred.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
XnuclearlandmineX
*Yawn*
*Yawn*
avatar

Posts : 91
Join date : 2011-04-18
Location : Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Jun 24, 2011 1:57 am

My 200th post Razz
Spoiler:
 

Spoiler:
 

Spoiler:
 

_________________
I don't have pet peeve. I only have major psychotic hatred.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   

Back to top Go down
 

My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD

View previous topic View next topic Back to top 

 Similar topics

-
» Astronaut on Twitter from Space Shuttle (Fiction)
» Just Jared: Gerard Butler Pulp Fiction Fingers
» Let's get Calling All The Heroes charity single by It Bites to number 1!
» Slenderman ....in SPACE!(edit, now about nazis)
» Fan Fiction
Page 2 of 2Go to page : Previous  1, 2

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
 :: General :: XscansX's Help Forum!! :: General help!-
Jump to:  
Free forum | © phpBB | Free forum support | Report an abuse | Free forum