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 My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD

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XnuclearlandmineX
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PostSubject: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Tue Apr 19, 2011 7:10 pm


Alright, so i have been dabbling in writing fictions for a while (about 3 years with a few rewrites, not to mention other commitments). But i lacked some critics to take a look at it (most of my friends are too busy to do it), so surprisingly, I turn to you guys for some feedbacks Very Happy Here is the first 2 chapters of my "still in process and so called" novel, working title named The Ookami Chronicles. But please before saying something, keep in mind that:

I'm only 17
English is not my first language = extremely bad grammars (i got a guy who edit for me but he is still working on it for the moment)
And this is only a side project. Unless this get rave reviews, i don't think i will get ambitious on it

If you guys are interested, i could continue posting the story as i go along. Weekly chapter anyone ? Twisted Evil

Story cliff note:

What happen if you cross a daughter of a Yakuza kumicho and a son of a Mobster boss? You got this guy right here. And he just happened to have to marry a daughter of another Yakuza family. Of course, that's the only beginning of his misadventures.

(that was the crappiest summary i have ever write)

So with out further ado, here is the stuff. Flame on Twisted Evil

Chapter 1: Intro to Destruction

Act 1: The Previous Job
“I ask you again, where is the money you owed us?”

“Please, don’t kill me! I don’t have it………I swear to…”

“Too bad, I don’t believe it.”

A count of 1, 2, 3 was heard, followed by a faint metal click soared through the air.

“Kuro-san, do you think you are going a little overboard? We are not supposed to kill him, you know…..” The guy was slightly stuttering.

“Nah, it is alright. I’m just merely asking him where the money is.”

The middle ager’s face was completely white, as the barrel of the gun started looking down on him, for the third time.

“Now I will ask again, where is our money?”

“I…d..d..don’t….know….i already..t..t.told you…..”

“Oh, come on. Don’t be a fool with us. You know we are not afraid to take your petty life away. Beside, like that I stated before, our little game of Russian roulette is not done yet. Kill you outright is way too easy. I did explain the rules of the game, didn’t I? Now choose wisely, twenty million yens in total cash, or your life”

Everybody was shivering from the Tokyo cold, including the ones on the floor, moaning in pain. They would surely prefer to be thrown out to the street with no clothes on in the middle of December rather than get thrashed. It should have had some air conditioners in here, but the company was too busy moving out so they didn’t really mind the temperature.

“Okay. It is your choice: One…..two…..thr….”

“Please, don’t kill me!!” The guy let out a scream “The money, is in the black safe inside the next room, behind the bookshelves…the combination are 20, 54, 99…please…..don’t kill me………please…” He stuttered and was peeing in his pants. People were moaning in disbelief.

“Wise choice, my friend”

The place was reeked of urine’s smell. At least it was still winter, or people in this room would be puking to the point of total disembowelment.

“Okay man, let’s get the money and get the hell outta here man. I’m freezing.”

They called me Kuro, and welcome to the underground of Tokyo. Where it is neither the start of my story nor the end of it.

Act 2: Bangover
My phone started to blast its usual amount of blast beats and guitar riffs in an effort to wake me up. It was 8 in the morning, on Sunday. The air was dense and cold, even when rays of sunlight showered every corner of my 12x7 West Tokyo apartment. I got up, cleaned myself and tried to figure out what I should do after a night of usual bustin’-in-take-em’-out-kick-their-arse job. It was entertaining to say at least, but as usual I had to carry some bruises and cuts back to my apartment and mend em’ myself. Good thing my mom taught me all those first aid skill thingy. Even when you are so called “prodigal son” who is destined to takeover some massive crime empire or corporations or whatever they are called, you need some experience to make the job. And that’s exactly why the heck I am staying in Japan right now. Four years have been a wealth of experience so far. From small time job like money issues to middle-sized affairs like local racketeers, I could say I am ready for some big time business somewhere down the road.

About twenty minutes later after breakfast, which consisted of instant ramen and some cheap meats, I bounced around the blocks to some local supermarket, finding stuffs to make lunch and dinner in my suck hole. A lazy Sunday, perhaps.

Then I received a call from my gramp:

“Hello, my boy”

“Hello gramp. Checking out your future chairman on Sunday?”

“Not quite, Kuro. Actually there are some urgent businesses happening now. Would you mind coming to my resident right now? Or I have to tell somebody to walk you in?”

I chuckled a bit. He is always the same man I’ve ever known.

“Nah, I think I can come to your resident by myself. But it will take a while, since I’m busy shopping right now…”

“No need for that Kuro, come here and we can have meals while discussing some important matters.”

“Wow…Ok, I will come immediately. It will take a while though. By the way, what’s this “important matters” anyway?”

“I will tell you when you come”

“All right, I will. See you there”. A one hour trip from West Tokyo to East Tokyo by the still-infamous Tokyo subway. He already said it was “important matters”, I secretly hoped it is not one of those one on one Q&A session he like to do. He really enjoys call me to his mansion and then proceed to literally interrogate the shit out of my life. Fortunately though, something really “big” was about to happen.



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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:03 pm

I know you asked us not to correct them, but there are many mistakes (grammar ones) :p
If you wish, I can correct some already, that will make your friend work a bit less, you just need to ask ^^

My feedback: let's divide it in the crappy usual good points/bad points. I may not be very objective cuz I love badass' style.

Good points:
- the main character is presented quite thoroughly. First chapter is about his work, second's about his private life.
- Where-When-What are ok. Why will be dicussed later.
- Totally badass in fist chapter.


Bad points:
- About the presentation: how come none of his features were presented? We don't know what he looks like, only that he is dreadful (You could present him as the guy in my sig, btw :p).
- the reader doesn't even understand why he's threatening an employee (20 million yen is the reason but WHY?)
(money you owed us)
- where/who are his helpers in the first chapter? Don't tell me he's the super strong kinda guy... that's way too cliché. Plus, you used "us".
- I'd rather he told his gramps "piss off" or something like that. He's only half breed. A badass/nice-to-his-family guy ~ no cliché plz
- why didn't he kill everybody, since they had all seen his face? That's not very "Crime Empire" like.


Well, that made me think of Sun-Ken Rock (manga) mixed with Artemis Fowl, it doesn't sound too bad. Be careful not to have him become a nice guy in the end. I hope I wasn't too harsh ^^

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Dead people only know one thing: it is better to be alive
Rising always higher takes you to the top
That's cuz light is faster than sound that some people seem bright before they sound dumb...
Man was not made for work, and the proof of that is: it tires him
However high you may be, you'll always be sitting on your butt.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A nice woman lets you know you have only two faults, everything you say and everything you do.

Weird ways of saying something:
"I'll render you unable to biologically maintain life" (Love So life - LexiDaisy)
"She got away from my pheronomes at full power" (Sex=Love²)
"She's been blessed with post-natal fat" (Bitter Virgin)

My mangas (took me quite a while to make this list, even though there are still a bunch missing)
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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Tue Apr 19, 2011 9:31 pm

YukiSanada wrote:
I know you asked us not to correct them, but there are many mistakes (grammar ones) :p
If you wish, I can correct some already, that will make your friend work a bit less, you just need to ask ^^

My feedback: let's divide it in the crappy usual good points/bad points. I may not be very objective cuz I love badass' style.

Good points:
- the main character is presented quite thoroughly. First chapter is about his work, second's about his private life.
- Where-When-What are ok. Why will be dicussed later.
- Totally badass in fist chapter.


Bad points:
- About the presentation: how come none of his features were presented? We don't know what he looks like, only that he is dreadful (You could present him as the guy in my sig, btw :p).
- the reader doesn't even understand why he's threatening an employee (20 million yen is the reason but WHY?)
(money you owed us)
- where/who are his helpers in the first chapter? Don't tell me he's the super strong kinda guy... that's way too cliché. Plus, you used "us".
- I'd rather he told his gramps "piss off" or something like that. He's only half breed. A badass/nice-to-his-family guy ~ no cliché plz
- why didn't he kill everybody, since they had all seen his face? That's not very "Crime Empire" like.


Well, that made me think of Sun-Ken Rock (manga) mixed with Artemis Fowl, it doesn't sound too bad. Be careful not to have him become a nice guy in the end. I hope I wasn't too harsh ^^

Finally some helpful comments Very Happy And no you wasn't too harsh Very Happy

Presentation: I would touch on this later on (already wrote about it). Right now at the beginning let's the readers imagine how he look like.

At this beginning, i have to admit i did a poor job of setting the scene. You basically pointed out most of the flaws. I intended to hide the first person narrative in the first chapter. But i think i screwed that part up.

For the face part, i don't think you want to report to the police after you got socked by the Yakuza because not paying their money on time.

And no, i guaranteed he won't be cliche. Believe it or not, I created this guy with the intention of breaking the normal action character mould. But I'm still experimenting with the character though. At right now, he is still a mess.

I based my character on Akira Inagumi (self sufficient loner who happen to be a extrodinaire), but westernized him a bit (a sarcastic, one liner bastard who is willing to kill and smash). Some of his aspects will be challenged when the girl come in Very Happy . Think of Wallace of Sin City. He is pretty close to what i imagined my dude will be.
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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Tue Apr 19, 2011 11:42 pm

*I just noticed I wrote fist chapter instead of first chapter. I feel sorry for underage ppl XD*

We'll see. Know that I've seen so many badasses (from novels, mangas, movies...) that I would be awestruck if you could make one that doesn't resemble any other. I wish you luck.

No need for me to proofread this then? :p

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Dead people only know one thing: it is better to be alive
Rising always higher takes you to the top
That's cuz light is faster than sound that some people seem bright before they sound dumb...
Man was not made for work, and the proof of that is: it tires him
However high you may be, you'll always be sitting on your butt.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A nice woman lets you know you have only two faults, everything you say and everything you do.

Weird ways of saying something:
"I'll render you unable to biologically maintain life" (Love So life - LexiDaisy)
"She got away from my pheronomes at full power" (Sex=Love²)
"She's been blessed with post-natal fat" (Bitter Virgin)

My mangas (took me quite a while to make this list, even though there are still a bunch missing)
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uuuhhh
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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Tue Apr 19, 2011 11:52 pm

YukiSanada wrote:

No need for me to proofread this then? :p
This is Koro's or Choco's job Very Happy Razz

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Tue Apr 19, 2011 11:59 pm

It's quite short, but I'm stacked right now. I can proofread a little later.
Incidentally I've written a novel lmao, haven't submitted it to a publisher. It's aprox 300 pages I think.

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 12:44 am

uuuhhh wrote:
This is Koro's or Choco's job Very Happy Razz

That is no manga ^^

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Dead people only know one thing: it is better to be alive
Rising always higher takes you to the top
That's cuz light is faster than sound that some people seem bright before they sound dumb...
Man was not made for work, and the proof of that is: it tires him
However high you may be, you'll always be sitting on your butt.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A nice woman lets you know you have only two faults, everything you say and everything you do.

Weird ways of saying something:
"I'll render you unable to biologically maintain life" (Love So life - LexiDaisy)
"She got away from my pheronomes at full power" (Sex=Love²)
"She's been blessed with post-natal fat" (Bitter Virgin)

My mangas (took me quite a while to make this list, even though there are still a bunch missing)
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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 5:30 am

Turned out, my "friend" (who is actually my school's librarian) had a "busy weekend". So yeah, i need some part time proofreaders right now (don't know whether to cry or laugh now) Neutral

Anyhow, here is the next 3 act. It is a long read, but i am really grateful if you guys take your times and read it. Very Happy Things happen, but at a slow pace. Shit, the first 3 chapters are slow as snail. I swear if someone from Japan willing to draw this shit, it would only be about 2 weekly chapter.

Holy shit, i just realized some consistencies issues here. 'Evil or Very Mad'

Act 3: Welcome to the family
A few minutes later, or technically 1 hour 14 minutes later I arrived at the mansion. ”Ridiculously old school” is the correct phrase to describe it. It is a massive Japanese 16th century-styled mansion in the West of the world-renowned metropolitan that is Tokyo, Japan. On another perspective, it is a sore thumb sticking out of the Tokyo’s skyscrapers. But unlike shore thumb, everybody wants to own it, not to cut it. As the recent news segment putted it: “lands are now equal to diamond, not gold anymore”

I then made my way into the mansion, first identification, then the garden, followed by the almost endless wooden corridors. I went all the way from the front of the mansion to the back. Along the wat, I got greetings from a lot of people, from guy in suit and shades to maids along the way. All of them bowed down to “Kuro-san”. It is not like that I don’t like it, but after a while it felt lame as I’m not that big of a person really. After waltzing my way through the mansion, I arrived at my destination.

Act 4: Blast Radius

“Hello, Gramp, Kuro is here”

“Come in, I was waiting for you”

I then opened the bamboo doors, and here was my grandpa, aka gramp, aka the kumicho (read: the boss) of Itachizame - kai, THE biggest yakuza syndicate of Japan, sitting next to his wooden table. From the look of it, he was enjoying some green tea.

He is a mild mannered, wise old man in front of his relatives, but a serious and stern figure in the face of public and his underlings. His face had a square and rigid jaw line with thick eyebrows, along with a buzz cut in the top of his head. Below those eyebrows is a pair of tiger’s eyes, as many have described throughout the ages. To be honest, his eyes is pretty normal, but then I am his grandson not his business rival. His skin is wrinkled, as with many old men but it is a 55 years-old-guy’s wrinkles than a 70 years-old-man’s wrinkles. When he is sitting he might look like a meditating Buddha, and when he stand up he is imposing enough to look like he is going to beat bitches into pulp even though he is only 1m65 tall and already say: “relax….i’m here to do business”. The whole empire in the palm of his hand is composed of more than one hundred thousand members strong across Japan under the banner of Itachizame – kai family. In short, he is just as big (in figurative sense) as his position in the yakuza world. And me? I’m just one lucky son of a bitch to have him as my gramp.

I stepped in:

“Hey gramp, how are you doing? Business still good?”

“You know how well I am. And for business? Smooth as silk”

I smirked, then I sat my ass down to the cushion opposite of him.

“How is your progress in school? Still good?”

“It is alright I guess. Aces there, tank here, all around average student i supposed”

“Still tanking tests like usual?” He raises his eyebrow.

“Well it was you who implied that, wasn’t it?”

He smiled “Yes, I did. Wanna have a drink?”

“Nah, it is okay.” I declined “Why do you call me here? What’s this important matter anyway?”

“Relax…” He said. “Take your time, it is not good to rush thing you know. It is Sunday and all…” Gramp then drank his tea, as slowly as he could. Usually I would chill as well, but for some reason I was really anxious.

He finally spoke: “Alright. You seem anxious enough. Do you remember the Fenikkusu-gumi?”

“Uh……is that the family from….Kyoto if I’m correct…right?”

There are several big time yakuza families in Japan. The Fenikkusu-gumi is one of them. They are based in the ancient land of Kyoto, composed of more than 100 smaller affiliated clans, consisted of nearly ninety thousand men under its wings. They rivaled my gramp’s family (soon to be MY family) in term of manpower, financial and political strength. But like always, I’m too busy to remember such “minorities”. I remember somewhere in time my gramp did school me on this, but it probably was 18 years ago…I think.

“I thought you forget them already with that spaced out mind of yours.”

“You know how forgetful I am…”

“I think I bought you to visit their kumicho once, do you still remember it?”

“Hmmm…no, I don’t” I answered “Not a thing”.

He poured another cup of tea.

“Geez, Buddha, why do you give me this boy as my grandson?”

“Anyway, Gramp…” I asked. “What is it about the Fenikkusu-gumi that you need me?”

He inhaled deeply “Our family and their family are going to do something very unprecedented. Something that might quite well be the most important decision I’ve ever made as the kumicho of Itachizame-kai. And you, this will be your first step into this shady business of ours.”

“Really? So….what will happen?

“We, the Itachizame-kai will establish a secret alliance with them, the Fenikkusu-gumi. If this deal goes through, our family and their family will be operate and cooperate with each other, both in business and manpower terms in the foreseeable future. As I said, no families was ever stupid enough to done this”

“Wait, then why you guys want to do it?”

“You will find out soon enough” He flashed a smirk. My feeling of uneasiness rose through the roof. “We had been discussed this possibility for at least 4 years now with careful consideration. And now we concluded it is the right time to do this to establish a foothold in this fragile underground world for years to come.”

“I don’t get it. It is quite a risky move there gramp. Are you sure it is alright?” I questioned him.

“Don’t worry boy, everything is under control.”

“If you say so then. Is it one of those business things where I only need to watch and learn right?”

“Not quite, Kuro. This time next week, they will host a meeting at their kumicho’s mansion. You will be our ambassador. This is gonna be your first big job”

“Woo Gramp. You sure I’m up for this? Ambassador is a really big word. You think I’m up for this?” To be fair, I didn’t think that I was ready for that. But inside my head, some idiot was screaming: “What the hell have I done till now? Cleaning dishes and cooking meals?”

“You will, Kuro. You will.” He nodded. “Also, you will have to bring this to the meeting”

He said as he handed me our family’s most prized item to take a look. A sacred katana named Tensou, which means “Heavenly wolf”. It is an old but undoubtedly mean looking crimson katana. I think Tensou was forged somewhere in the 18th century Meiji era. But even to now, the sword was still shiny, with a faint engraving of a wolf’s head on its blade. The scabbard is blood red, inside it is the shiniest blade any forger can forged. It is +simply a masterpiece, unfortunately words cannot simple explain it, as only the sight is worth. But the greatest thing is that, it is still shiny and razor sharp after all those years. Gramp must be cleaning this thing since forever.

“Why Tensou?” I questioned. “Why bring this to the meeting?”

“To cement our alliance, we need to bind each other’s will. So their kumicho and I had decided that we will exchange the respective family’s most treasured belonging. The day one of us lost the item we exchanged is the day the alliance will break and a war is pretty much imminent.”

I sighed, and swallowed a big chunk of air inside my mouth down to my stomach. This is definitely spine-chilling.

“As for the exchanging items, in or side it is this 300 years old blade of fortune. For them, I don’t know yet, but their kumicho had assured that it will be something as worth as the blade”

That time, my sarcasm detector decided to go up a few notch. I didn’t know why.

“Alright, the job seems simply enough. Ambassador, transporter and protector.”

“No quite, because I will need to read this”

He threw me right in the face a book called “Business Manners for Idiots”. Fair enough for a 17 years old idiot I guess.

“Next week, just come here on early on the morning. About twenty enforcers will be your entourage. They are yours to command”

“Is that really necessary gramp? I mean can handle myself. I just need a couple of my dudes and that’s it…”

He then stressed: “This is really important. And yourself are important too. Those guys will keep you in check as well…your tendency to goof off is just too big for me to ignore…”

Oh yeah, now I think about it, I actually have a tendency to goof off…

“So next week, early morning, this mansion? I will keep that in mind. Can we just go by train or something like that? I really don’t feel like sitting in a car”

“Oh no you won’t.” His voice went down: “You will be sittin’ in a car. For an 4 hours to Kyoto.”

“For 4 hour? Are you kidding me? You know how I feel about that?”

A moan came out of his mouth: “Oh come on, just maybe like for once you will have to meet the Fenikkusu-gumi. It is only 3 hours from here too, there is not much of wuss for you isn’t it? You still got your phone and you sleepiness to accompany you, don’t you ? It is still better than the old days, 6 hours plus, and not to mention traffic and things like that”

“I know, but I hate cars. You know that!”

“But this is not any small time job where you can whack anybody in the way like you used to!” He emphasized “Beside, your father and mother in the US, they always calls me in the middle of the night to check on their beloved son.”

Mom and dad. I see. Right at when I thought they are not worries about me staying in here. Even though I can clearly handle myself.

“Ok, if that’s what gonna happen, then yeah, I will go with it. Have you ask my parents yet?”

“I already have their consent. So everything is good. Anymore question, Kuro?”

“Nope. Next Saturday, 6 o clocks I will be here. Okay?”

“Better be sharp.”

“You know I will”

“Yeah right. Oh, and the lunch are waiting for you at the kitchen. Go and get it. And don’t go home yet, stay here until dinner because we still have some matters to discuss over on.” He said. “It is Sunday, why the rush?”

“Geez gramp, why?” I said with a long face.

“Ah, did I mention that they have your favorite foods?” A smile was widening from those old wrinkled lips.

“Gramp, you are a wonderful man” I grinned to him. I love food, I really do. Eating was the only rational thing in my mind.

Suddenly, an ominous feeling rose through my body from toe to head. Completely freezing me out and stop me from running in those wooden corridors. It felt like some kind of bird flying inside of me all over the place.

“Kuro, are you ok?”

“No, it is okay gramp, just had this chill. It is alright. I’m off to the food now. One last question gramp, do you hide anything from me with this job?” One of my eyebrows was raised. For once, I suddenly felt he was hiding me something. I have never doubt him, never once. Now out of the blue moon, I did.

“No, why should I hide anything from you?” He said.

“Just wondering. See you later then. Enjoy your tea.”

I closed the door, storm off to the kitchen and happily dig in the feast while forgot that I have homework that needed to be done and stuffs to worried. Oh well, the food was too irresistible anyway.

Nom nom nom.

Act 4: Awake
Fast forward to a few hours after lunch, I then continued my discussions with my gramp about the meeting with the other clan. Mostly about stuffs like what I should wear, how I should act, and what I should do….blah blah blah. As if reading “Business Manners For Idiot” in my spare time would not enough. Later we had a big meeting with the other important figures in our clan in the conference room at the south of the mansion. They all dressed up well with business suit and tie, apart from me with my black jeans and a “Fuck you I’m a metalhead” T-shirt. Which is of course, pretty normal considering my position and my age. We has had a robust discussion about the alliance, fueled by the finest Japanese cuisine, rice wine and a can of Pepsi in my case as I don’t believe in drinking. It was quite intense. But I’m sure you already snooze somewhere in the line in Act 3, so I will spare you the details. But in the end, everything worked itself out.

After all the bullshits are done, I raced back to my “cozy palace” and started to crack on my homeworks as soon as possible. When I finished, it is already midnight, the time I clean myself and prepare another week of a dark business man’s life: Student at day, “worker” at night. It was bound to be one of those nights where I could sleep really well. But then, things are not always as what they seem to be.

It was hazy

I saw myself, standing somewhere in space and time. It was a borderless desert with white sands, the type of white you can only find in painting. There was a tree here, a cactus there, and some other stuff. Not sure if I were even on Earth, or some surreal and macabre paintings. And that ominous feeling, the one with birds flying inside is creeped again on my spine, as if it is hallow by default.

“Hello….”

I turned back, and a girl was in front of me. A tall, long white haired and beautiful young lady was standing in front of me to be exact. “What, are you kidding me?” were my first thought. But upon further inspection, I concluded that “beautiful” is not a suitable word to describe her: she had this looks and body that guys would kill for. An hourglass came to my mind. Now where should I start to describe her? Her eyes are 2 big, twinkling stars. Her lips are one of the sexiest lips I‘ve ever seen: they are heart shaped, but slim. She looked at me with those big sparkling eyes, as if she was looking at a strange creature from outer space. I looked around, then down upon myself, and I realized I was in my birthday suit. No wonder why.

I then try to cover myself, but then she forwarded herself, and then hugged me. Before I can do anything, her big round breasts pressed on my chest. I thought to myself about how nice it is. Yes I know, I somewhat a pervert. My arms then started to act on themselves, wrapping their hands and fingers around her body. The girl then looked at me, whispering:

“Hey, wolfy” She said as she rested her head down on my shoulder, as I fully embraced her in my arms for no apparent reason. Then I started to hear blast beat.

I opened my eyes, and realizing it was just a dream. Look at the clock, and it was 7:30.

Seriously, wolfy?

Evil or Very Mad
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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 8:20 am

The line in green is a suggestion (something you'll see as a typesetter), and can be used or ignored.
Act 1:
Spoiler:
 


Act 2:
Spoiler:
 

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:09 am

Koro wrote:
The line in green is a suggestion (something you'll see as a typesetter), and can be used or ignored.
Act 1:
Spoiler:
 


Act 2:
Spoiler:
 

Thanks for the suggestion Very Happy Keep it coming please, I'm open to suggestions and advices.
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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:57 am

You might want to read it over. Some sentences have been reworded/restructured completely. I'll do the rest either tonight or tomorrow, but I've got other work first.

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 11:52 am

Alright just take your time Very Happy I really appreciate your help Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 1:44 pm

Let's lift a little weight off Koro's shoulder ^^

Story cliff note:

What would happen if you were to cross the daughter of a Yakuza kumicho and the son of a mob gang leader? That would be him. And he just happened to marry a daughter of another Yakuza family. Of course, that's only the beginning of his misadventures. (Why misadventures?)


Chapter 1: Intro to Destruction

Act 1: The Previous Job
“I'll ask you once again, where is our money?”
“Please spare my life! I don’t know where it is………I swear I will…”
“Too bad I don’t believe you.”
Three seconds later, a faint metal sound echoed in the room/factory/building.
“Kuro-san, don't you think that's going too far? We are not supposed to kill him, you know…..” The guy was slightly stuttering. (use shaking, he ain't "stuttering" in what you wrote)
“Nah, it is alright. I’m merely asking him where he hid the money.

The middle aged guy’s face became awfully pale, as the barrel of the gun was pointed at him for the third time.

Don't you dare make me repeat once again, gimme my money!!!”
“I already..t..t.told you…I…d..d..don’t….know…...”
“Oh, come on. Don’t fool/fuck/screw with us. Do ya think I give a shit about your life?. Besides, as I already said, our Russian roulette game ain't finished yet. Killing you right away would be way too easy. Didn't I explain the rules? Twenty million yens in cash, or your life.. Your choice

Everybody was freezing in this Tokyo winter, including those lying on the floor, who were moaning of pain. [color=green]They'd surely rather they had been thrown naked in the street despite this cold December than being thrashed. There should have been air conditioners here (shouldn't it be heaters since it's cold?), but the company was too busy moving to care about temperature.

“Okay. It is your choice: One…..two…..thr….”

“I beg you, don’t kill me!!” The guy let out a scream “The money is in the black safe inside the next room, behind the bookshelves…the combination is 20, 54, 99…please…..don’t kill me………please…” He had peed his pants. The others couldn't even believe he had given away the numbers.

“Wise choice, my friend”

The room/factory/building reeked of urine. Fortunately it was still winter, otherwise everybody would have been puking to their hearts' content. (didn't even understand what winter has to do with puke...)

“Okay man, let’s take the money and get the hell outta here. It's damn cold.”

They called me Kuro and welcomed me to the underground of Tokyo. Well, that is neither the start nor the end of my story.
(Kuro = ninth...)

Little advice: take Koro's suggestions rather than mine. Or whichever you think fits better.
That's just the first act, I'll let our PR handle the others alone ^^

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"She got away from my pheronomes at full power" (Sex=Love²)
"She's been blessed with post-natal fat" (Bitter Virgin)

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 1:50 pm

lmao I've only done two, and you just re-did one of them ^^

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 2:12 pm

LMFAO Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:47 pm

Koro wrote:
lmao I've only done two, and you just re-did one of them ^^

I started before you gave him your review, went to school then finished it and posted XD

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Dead people only know one thing: it is better to be alive
Rising always higher takes you to the top
That's cuz light is faster than sound that some people seem bright before they sound dumb...
Man was not made for work, and the proof of that is: it tires him
However high you may be, you'll always be sitting on your butt.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A nice woman lets you know you have only two faults, everything you say and everything you do.

Weird ways of saying something:
"I'll render you unable to biologically maintain life" (Love So life - LexiDaisy)
"She got away from my pheronomes at full power" (Sex=Love²)
"She's been blessed with post-natal fat" (Bitter Virgin)

My mangas (took me quite a while to make this list, even though there are still a bunch missing)
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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:54 pm

Lol I see. I once started proofreading a chapter at the same time as Sadofu (no longer works here, I don't think you met him) because we were both asked, both ended up submitting at around the same time oblivious of the other's involvement.

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Wed Apr 20, 2011 4:02 pm

LOL

Thanks for the help you guys. Really appreciated it. Probably tomorrow or the day after tomorrow after taking care of Ushiro typesetting i think i will post the next 3 chapters.

And please for people who read this, keep the advices and comments going Very Happy Especially on storyline development and the structure. IT IS OKAY to be harsh. Hell, bring your flamethrower in if necessary Twisted Evil

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:09 am

Act 3:
Spoiler:
 

Act 4:
Spoiler:
 

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Thu Apr 21, 2011 11:52 pm

I wonder if I should let you guys proofread my manga, nah okay nevermind. NAISU JOUB.

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 22, 2011 11:54 am

Wow this is good xD So much better than my novels lol [ i don't dare to post them up lol the last time I did i re-read it and almost puked]

Anyways most of the errors has been highlighted by Koro and Yuki. Umm but I have a question. Your main character is 17 years old right? Then why did you say this on Act 4 :

I remember that at some point in time gramps did lecture me on this, but it was a good 18 years ago…I think.

You might want to look at it again ^^ maybe you wanted to say 8 years? I don't know lol

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:13 pm

SilentKiller wrote:
Wow this is good xD So much better than my novels lol [ i don't dare to post them up lol the last time I did i re-read it and almost puked]

Anyways most of the errors has been highlighted by Koro and Yuki. Umm but I have a question. Your main character is 17 years old right? Then why did you say this on Act 4 :

I remember that at some point in time gramps did lecture me on this, but it was a good 18 years ago…I think.

You might want to look at it again ^^ maybe you wanted to say 8 years? I don't know lol

Well, he is a sarcastic bastard. That's all i have to say about him. Lol Twisted Evil
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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:35 pm

o.o okay lol Just that when you say 18 the sarcasm might not be well recieved. That's because:
a) He is 17 and saying 18 will make people go '?' Unless maybe you got it was ages ago or millions of years ago.[lol the latter sounds kinda lame though <.<]

b)If it's people like me who don't know how to differentiate between sarcasm and real thoughts. Well most of the time xD

this is all just some of my opinions xD Up to you for the final decision ^^

oh btw lol I just saw something at the end of Act 4:
There was no was I could resist the food anyway.
It's
There was no way I could resist the food anyway.

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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:37 pm

Alright as promised here is the next 3 acts.

EDIT: erased the first two because i realized i just double posted it Embarassed

Act 5:
Spoiler:
 

This is one of the more "corny" acts. And full of fan service, if you know what i mean Very Happy

Ah yeah, thanks Koro, SilentKiller and Yuki for your inputs and correction. It is really helpful Very Happy



Last edited by XnuclearlandmineX on Sat Apr 23, 2011 10:21 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: My fiction......calling all grammar nazis, critics XD   Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:39 pm

SilentKiller wrote:
o.o okay lol Just that when you say 18 the sarcasm might not be well recieved. That's because:
a) He is 17 and saying 18 will make people go '?' Unless maybe you got it was ages ago or millions of years ago.[lol the latter sounds kinda lame though <.<]

b)If it's people like me who don't know how to differentiate between sarcasm and real thoughts. Well most of the time xD

this is all just some of my opinions xD Up to you for the final decision ^^

oh btw lol I just saw something at the end of Act 4:
There was no was I could resist the food anyway.
It's
There was no way I could resist the food anyway.

I kinda think of it like when you posted something sarcastic on teh web, but conviniently forgot the emoticons => troll comment Very Happy But yeah i think i have to take this into consideration next time. Oh and the stupid mistake as well :d
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